Who is the right one?

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After a round of golf at a friend’s country club, it is customary to grab drinks. Usually with those drinks, at this particular country club, comes endless conversations with an older generation that can inspire wisdom and give you a lot of questions about life at the same time.  You hear all kinds of stories that make you think, am I networking or are the dues at this country club partially paying for a secretive swingers’ club? A young thirty-year-old walking in there is like a piece of Wagyu beef. A once-a-season, special on the menu. You hear everything from couple problems to affairs to true love stories to pictures of their daughters who they think you should marry to the popular ED pill of the month.

(The most popular right now BTW from these people and my friends’ ages 20-70 is “Hims” for hair loss and ED - crazy results - link in the ad below)

It is true. Everyone I know is using the above.

Back to it after my ruthless ad pitch.

Occasionally, you hear great stories from people who are trying to find their first, second, or even third marriages. They are trying to find the right one after years of attempting a trial-and-error process. Can you blame them? They went all in on what was working with the optimism of thinking it was the final place with the final person for them. For some reason, I’m the sounding board for all this. One drink turns into 3-4 quickly. I guess that’s why I started The Confident Mind.

These conversations happened to involuntarily introduce me to a woman in her late fifties early sixties adamantly explaining her love life after a brutal divorce that came right out of the movies. Ex-husband was a commercial real estate mogul in NYC who had an affair with the Eastern European housekeeper. Fortunately, the marriage was on the rocks regardless so it turned out to be an amicable divorce.

With that said, it allowed her to have fun in the middle of her life. Was that what she wanted? Did that fulfill her? Never is never does. She was looking for the perfect next person. She tried set-ups, dating apps, match.com, etc. The thing that happened to work unexpectedly was match.com with a gentleman who happened to be a member of the same country club.

The way she describes it was originally a long shot. Absolutely nothing she was looking for. She knew the guy from the club. He was a “close friend”. The guy who was always around to get a drink or go to dinner with a group. Little did she know, he was also recently divorced for the same reason as her ex-husband. This guy was just looking for the right one and it was obvious.

As I mentioned, the entire thing started on match.com. He saw her profile, knew it would be funny to go after her on the website after they knew each other, and proceeded to match then message (I’m not sure how match.com works). He tried time and time again. Persistence and resilience are understatements as she continued to laugh the entire thing off. “Not in a million years would I think he was the right one for me. Everything about him was opposite from everything I’ve ever had. His looks, his humor, his profession, his lifestyle. Nothing was what I ever looked for.”  So what happened?

She found herself.

Because he was persistent, she saw something she’d never seen before. Someone fighting for her. Someone she never laughed at because she had her guard up. Someone she never thought was attractive. All because she was scared to be different. Scared to be perceived one way. Unconfident to see who she was and what she was about.

By letting her guard down and opening up her mind, she was able to realize that something different might be key to finding happiness. Maybe opposites don’t attract however maybe being confident enough to be yourself will help you realize that “that opposite” was exactly just like who you really are.

My wife and I were the same way. Would I have ever guessed we were meant for each other upon first meeting? The answer would be no. Were we attracted physically? Yes. Was she anything I’ve ever dated before? Again, no.

What did I do or rather what did she help me realize? Being yourself, allowing yourself to peel your onion, and opening your mind, will allow you to find what you’re looking for. I found out that what I wanted was nothing that I previously thought I wanted. But opening up allowed me to connect with the now wife and our soon-to-be son.

So I’ll ask again, what makes someone the right one? Is it physical attributes? Is it the yin to your yang? Does everything need to be exactly how you planned it? I’d argue through data that 82-89% of partners tended to be similar. There is little evidence that opposites attract. Just based on your friends, does it seem that ~9/10 of them are similar? It doesn’t and that’s the best part. Others don’t need to affect who you are, what you love, or what you’re about. Remember, take a breath (badass Lumen test below). Be yourself. Open up. Be confident.

Let me know if there is a topic you want to hear about, types of stories you want to hear, or anything you want to help you. Remember, everything is in confidence and with anonymity.

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-TCM