When to meet the family?

“If your family’s circle joins in my family’s circle, they’ll form a chain. I can’t have a chink in my chain.”

Jack Byrnes (Robert DeNiro in “Meet the Fockers”)

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Very interesting thought with a lot of scenarios and I'm sure a lot of people have different opinions. Some will think this is an absolute no-go until a certain point while others might want to hear what other opinions are before they give their honest answer. Whatever you do while reading this, don’t judge. Everyone is different.

We’ll start with a personal real-life example:

Within one month of meeting my now-wife, I invited her to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend. To me, I didn’t care about these types of social norms or public opinions. I was confident in my decision. Truthfully, I didn’t think too much about it. It wasn’t meant to be a relationship milestone. We were hanging out regardless. My brother lived on the Upper East Side, wanted to grab dinner, and was bringing his girlfriend (his now-wife). I didn’t want to be a third wheel, and it was at a public restaurant. My only thoughts were no thoughts. It was a normal dinner. Nothing intimate. To add to the efficiency, if my brother and his gf didn’t like her, she was out anyway therefore killing a few birds with one stone.

So what’s the big deal with that thought process? Most people would be and possibly are while reading this, cringing thinking about what I did. You could not convince me that I made the wrong decision. Efficient, low-key, and with no overthinking.

Best case: we have a great dinner and my brother loves her. She lives another day.

Worst case: my brother doesn’t like her, we have dinner, she’s gone shortly after, then I meet my brother for dinner again that week (by myself).

With that being said, I will still acknowledge this is a bold move and regardless of how thoughtless this may be, there are still some thoughts you should ask yourself before attempting:

(1) Friends

Are your friends the first touch point or the first level needing to be passed?  Did you meet her through your friend group or while with your friend group? Are your friends more important to meet than your family?

Some might say your friends are the first sign-off. There are a variety of different activities you can do with your friends which are social, public, and not intimate where you can still feel them out, see if they can hang out, if they are polite, and can be a crucial addition to the friend group. Then once they pass that test, is it now time to meet a certain member of your family?

(2) Do you see a future with this person?

If you are seeing this person to see where it goes, why not introduce them early? Are they going to change that much from the first couple of dates to 3-4 months? Based on my previous post “first impression”, don’t you think if they are who they are now, they should be the same in front of your family?

Again bold, but something you should think about.

At the end of the day, this is about you. I truly believe people are scared to make this call earlier than they want to because they are scared of what others might think. I’m not saying make this the first date. If you are getting to know someone, the first impression is great, you’re not looking to make this a one-and-done, and they are someone you will attempt to prolong, why not introduce them?

Be confident enough to be confident in yourself. At the end of the day, you know your family. You would never intentionally do something that they wouldn’t like or appreciate. If you are confident in who you selected from day 1 and a couple of dates have passed, then why not show them who you are entertaining?

With that being said, the next thought and most important thought is how do you ask, when do you ask, and are you confident enough to ask?

As promised, tomorrow you will hear the perspective from my wife who without question panicked after I asked her to grab dinner with my brother in the first month of knowing one another.

Let me know if there is a topic you want to hear about, types of stories you want to hear, or anything you want to help you. Remember, everything is in confidence and with anonymity.

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Yours Truly,