Friends with your Ex?

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Going through different stages of my life, this seems to be a topic that comes up more and more as we get older. In my opinion, when we are young, we aren’t mature enough to hold onto an Ex as a friend. When you’re older, there are intimate times in your relationship that have made you who you are, so it is more difficult to not be friends or not have someone in your life. There are conjoined friend groups, favorite restaurants, favorite bars, and favorite stores; all of which you shared times that lay the groundwork for who you are now. So, when breaking up, which has happened to 99.9% of the population, should you keep that person in your life?

First question – why do you or they still want to be friends?

You’re exes for a reason. It is extremely difficult to go from a relationship to just friends. You’ve been through too much. Your emotional connection to this person is at a different level than anyone else. So, what is the point? What is the motivation to remain friends?

Second question – do you think dating new people will be any easier?

Let me start by saying, that since you are now single, you’ll never find a date while friends with your Ex. Could you imagine going on a first date with someone and then explaining how you’re still friends with your Ex? You’d be lucky to finish the dinner. Even mature people will know it will eventually end disastrously. It’s just awkward. Imagine sitting there with someone and they’re cracking up on their phone in a conversation with their Ex. I am not a betting man, but I’d bet you’ll be the groundwork for the next script of an upcoming Netflix rom-com. What do you think you would do if you saw your Ex, who is now a friend, bring their new boyfriend or girlfriend to a social event? Here’s another certainty. No one is cool or mature enough not to care or play it cool.

Again, you could argue that it could show a sign of maturity. I’m no pop culture expert but have you ever thought about the intention or decision of celebrities staying friends after they break up? Think Brad Pitt with Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Nightmare. Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber, Hailey Baldwin. Nightmare. John Mayer, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry. Nightmare. Unless there are shared children in the picture, generally staying friends with your Ex is never a good idea.

Last question – will getting over it be easier if you remain friends?

Absolutely not.  This isn’t getting over a cigarette addiction. You don’t ween off a relationship. You ended it—cold turkey. You don’t get to be in a relationship five days a week, then four, then three, etc. until it’s done. Keeping someone in your life who you had an emotional, spiritual, and physical relationship with will affect every dating decision you make going forward and if it’s them who wants you in their life, there is a solid chance they are using you for interim emotional support as they date others in the single world, using you like a living teddy bear as you have even the slightest hope that it will happen again. You know what you should say, get a dog.

A friend of mine who was going through a tough breakup remained friends with his ex. She would continuously text him while she was with the guy she left him for (hiding it of course). The girl used him emotionally like a crying baby knowing they were going to get a bottle. He’d be out with friends, and he’d be texting her on the side, inviting her to come out, getting coffee, inviting her to family gatherings, and whatever slack the emotional leash would offer. As you would guess, there was a slight chance of hope in his mind. It made dates with new opinions not as exciting. It made every woman he went out on a date with unconsciously uncomfortable. It made me sick for him.

I’ll make it simple; you’ll NEVER find someone new while friends with your Ex. Just cut it out. Move on.

That's not to say it can never work. However, if you want to give it a shot, I recommend examining your true motives first. Deciding to stay friends with an ex because you aren't over them romantically — and want to leave the door open in case they change their mind about the breakup — is not advised and will only hold you back from being able to move on.

Let me know if there is a topic you want to hear about, types of stories you want to hear, or anything you want to help you. Remember, everything is in confidence and with anonymity.

[email protected]

-TCM

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